Don’t pine for Ikea. They’ve got a screw loose on GBNews

ALL week, various mad people have been bouncing around on social media saying that GB News – a new, non-woke TV station, in the style of Talk Radio – is the personification of evil.

So I tuned in on Thursday morning, half expecting to find its founder and main man, Andrew Neil, with a Hitler moustache, shoutily urging his viewers to build a Reich that: “Would last for a thousand years.”

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Andrew Neil and his GB News team before the launch[/caption]

Instead, there was a couple, who looked like librarians, hosting a gentle debate on people who make restaurant bookings and then don’t turn up.

There was then a weather report, followed by a plea from the World Wide Fund for Nature to be nice to pandas.

I’ve seen more evil in a seaside tea shop.

This doesn’t seem to have been noticed by the social media warriors though, who stopped tweeting about the glories of Corbyn for five minutes to target all the companies who were advertising on GB News.

The professional stirrers, who hate Israel and Tories and white people and history, said they would no longer buy products from businesses that supported the station’s panda appeals or “toxic propaganda”.

And guess what?

Even though these halfwits wouldn’t be able to buy anything, because they spend all their benefits on weed, many of the companies immediately caved in.

Most said they’d watch the channel before deciding whether to advertise in future — which is fair enough — but Ikea, the Swedish flat-pack furniture people, said GB News was not in line with its views and that it will take steps to ensure it doesn’t advertise on it again.

As a result, I quickly decided that I would boycott Ikea.

I didn’t think this would be a hardship.

I bought one of its desks once, could make no sense of the instruction book, spent five hours swearing and, when it was finished, all the drawers were upside down.

Plus, it was hideous.

The fact is that if you go to an antiques shop, you can buy furniture that was pre-assembled 100 years ago by craftsmen who knew what they were doing.

So you get exquisite quality, timeless styling and all for prices that beggar belief.

I bought a Georgian writing desk last week for £15.

And I’m currently eyeing up a wingback chair at my local antiques store which is on sale for 40 quid.

CRIMINAL RECORD

I think, with a bit of hapless, Clarkson-style haggling, I could get that up to maybe £45, but even so, it’s still a good price.

And it won’t have been made by a company that spied on its employees.

Which a French boss of Ikea did. And earned himself a criminal record in the process.

Annoyingly, however, just one day after I started my boycott, Ikea announced that it may have been too hasty in making its decision.

And that it might yet advertise on GB News.

So does this mean I will now make a U-turn as well?

No.

Because antique furniture is better and it doesn’t come with an unfathomable instruction book.

So that’s what I’ll be buying in future.

In the meantime, I shall watch more of GB News, which is currently not running a feature on how work sets you free.

Oh how jolly stupid

I GREW up reading Enid Blyton’s Famous Five stories about Anne, Julian, Georgina, Dick and Timmy the dog.

And I loved them.

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Experts have decided author Enid Blyton was a racist[/caption]
Enid Blyton’s Famous Five stories were about the adventures of Anne, Julian, Georgina, Dick and Timmy the dog

Especially the bits where Georgina got tied up in a cave.

I couldn’t understand at the age of seven why that caused such a “funny” feeling.

Nor could I understand what they were doing living with “Uncle” Quentin in his cottage by the sea.

Who was this mysterious man?

And why did he want to fill his house with kids all the time?

Was Ms Blyton a bit of a pervert perhaps?

Apparently not.

Instead, experts have looked at the rampant paedophilia and decided she was a . . . racist.

And how have they worked this out?

The same way they worked out Winston Churchill was a racist, and Prince Philip.

They were human beings. And they were breathing.

Let us flash the cash like Paris

WHEN you use hindsight, it’s easy to say that Boris Johnson should have locked the country down sooner or halted flights from India two weeks before he did or sorted out the PPE farce in February, not May.

But I’m not using hindsight when I say that his decision to keep us locked up for another four weeks this summer is madness.

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The PM should be telling us to get out there and spend like we’re Paris Hilton[/caption]

The only reason for the lockdown is to stop the hospitals being overwhelmed.

And as that’s not happening, he should be telling us to get out there and spend like we’re Paris Hilton.

Oz, it’s just so weird

I’VE long harboured a suspicion that God made Australia as a place to store all his failed experiments.

He built it far away from everywhere else, filled it with sand, made it far too hot and ringed it with a reef to keep passing ships at bay.

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I’ve long harboured a suspicion that God made Australia as a place to store all his failed experiments[/caption]

Then he put everything poisonous and stupid and violent down there, hoping we’d never find them.

Last year, in a desperate bid to stop us laughing at his giant bouncing rabbits and his platypus with a duck’s face, he set the whole place on fire.

Then he sent a plague of a billion mice to eat all the crops and now millions and millions of spiders have blanketed the whole country with a giant web.

A web caused by spiders falling from 1.8 miles in the air.

Small wonder bits of London are so full of people called Bruce, urging us to have a g’day.

Well done

MORRISONS has launched a pilot scheme which will see milk being sold in re-usable glass bottles rather than plastic containers.

Full marks and well done.

But as the milk sold in plastic costs 50p a pint and the milk sold in glass is 90p, it’ll be interesting to see how well it does.

My guess is “not very”.

Because we all say we want to be green but when it comes to forking out, we usually decide we are not that bothered.

And fire up the diesel engine to go home.

Poles apart

MANY are saying that, soon, China will become the most powerful country in the world.

But I disagree. I think it will be Poland.

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We all know that we couldn’t have won the Battle of Britain without help from Polish airmen[/caption]

We all know that we couldn’t have won the Battle of Britain without help from Polish airmen.

And we know also that our nation’s plumbing would have packed up years ago had there not been an army of Poles on hand to keep it running.

There’s more.

Can you imagine what a building site would look like without Polish people around. Quiet, that’s for sure.

A Polish girl is currently running my Diddly Squat farm shop mail order business.

She has another job and has a young daughter but works harder and longer hours than you would believe.

And here’s the thing.

Many Poles went back to Poland after Brexit.

Which means that instead of being here, helping us to “build back better”, they’re doing it over there.

Run the risk

THE clean-living yoga enthusiasts at the World Health Organisations put down their Chinese money and announced this week that women of a child-bearing age who drink any alcohol at all, ever, run the risk of never being able to have kids.

I’m not sure they’ve thought this through.

Because for a woman to get pregnant she has to sleep with a man.

And who’d want to do that without a few sherries on board?

Or is that just the women I’ve met?



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